I think that I write a lot about love on here…and over the past two years of my life – that is what He has been teaching me. Over and over again. In argentina, that was my prayer. That I would learn how to love, really at all but especially the way God called me to.
And He has been teaching me ever since…it took me a long time to realize that I had a heart of stone. That I had hidden and manipulated and controlled so much that I had lost the ability to feel, to cry, to care or take risks and be vulnerable at all. And that realization killed me…how could God use me if I couldn’t even really love people? If I couldn’t get past myself? it was so hard to see what I had let myself become, but in that is when I asked God to give me a heart of flesh like He promises to do in Deuteronomy. To teach me to love the way He does and just break all the walls in me. And He has been, little by little over the last 2 years or so, but just in the last week or so I have reached some big mile markers that have shown me how truly far He has brought me. And they are ones that only I can really understand…haha
Sometimes the biggest things God does in us, well actually – prb most of the time – only we can really grasp the gravity of. When I look at my heart now, as opposed to what it was…it is unbelievable. I am in absolute AWE of what He has done. But its not always something people can see.
One thing that has been one of the biggest struggles for me is that I am independent – very much so. And I have really struggled with selfishness…and not necessarily that everything is about me, but just selfish with my time. I LIKE not having to answer to anyone but God. I LIKE being able to spend every spare second in ministry, focusing on what God is doing now, if that’s how I am feeling…and not have to worry about neglecting other things – which isn’t necessarily bad…but I get so caught up in what I am doing and just stop listening for anything else. I realized I have gotten comfortable doing what I am doing, and stopped listening because, well, who knows what other crazy things He is going to ask me to do!
I am truly in awe of the people that can balance all of their families and friends and jobs and ministries and all of it…I really really struggle with that, and I just pray that God will teach me to get past ME and focus on other, and i believe He is, i am learning. This team has been SUCH a blessing to my life…I cant even explain how much fun it is, how great the team is or how amazingly encouraging it is to see the team be touched by God and just see the growth and openness of all their hearts. Last week we had a time of sharing and a prayer time. It is really cool to see that God is working in them. And Sarah and I are both praying that He continues to just POUR into them and keep them seeking for more!
But I know that it all belongs to Him. That it is just a crazy blessing that I am a part of this at all…it is not by any means because I am so thoroughly talented and gifted by my own power…I am not….I know that…its ALL Him.
And He’s given me dreams for the team…BIG ones…and so in my head, I’m always thinking ahead, trying to figure it out, manipulate it, plan it around my future and potential future husband ;) and leaders and all these things and how it will fit into MY life…….but He is reminding me – in no uncertain terms…that this team AND my life are His. He has the plans, He has the vision, He has the resources, I don’t have to figure it all out. Im just a tool for Him to use. He has other things I need to be hearing too…so I need to let Him work. Haha…And He just showed me my own heart yesterday and some of what He has been doing and just realizing that He has been preparing me and I didn’t even notice but I feel like I am FINALLY ready to give up the team’s role in MY life to Him…really and truly. To really listen and really be open to what HE wants to do, whatever it is. I know that this team will be in my life for awhile if not forever, but I need to be ready and get out of the comfort zone that I have created. :) It is a crazy freeing feeling. Not to worry or freak out or anything…but to just follow His voice. Just keep following……it should be scary…haha…I mean, this is my future we are talking about…but I cannot even begin to explain the peace and freedom I feel in giving it all over to Him. And just KNOWING that He will take care of all of it.
He is so good, and so faithful.
So I am so excited to just see what He has…and embrace it.
So we will see what comes next!
I pray that we can all just break out of our comfort zones and really see what God has…it is guaranteed to be so much better than whatever we have planned :)
and i will leave you with a chapter from the Bible for you to look up that has spoken to me a lot about surrendering to Gods will...:)
i pray that we can all reach a place where if all we have in this world is God...we will have peace and security in all of our days.
Isaiah 39
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