learning to trust...

huge exhale.........
this has been a crazy weekend/week so far. that is the only word i have for it...haha
the trip has had an interesting development. After giving the parents and students the weekend to pray and discuss whether or not they'll be going to Mexico...we got the final word on Monday.

we are going to mexico.
2 of our team members are not.

tough? yes. but God knows.
i dont know what He is doing, i dont know why things are changing...and its not easy, but all i keep hearing is "trust me that i know what i am doing. trust me that i am taking care of you all. know that i am God."
and that has been the peace through all the decision-making and the uncertainties and things that dont go as planned.
He is God.
we didnt know if we would even be able to go to Mexico if people dropped out, so we were really just prepared for anything.
but then PPM said that they would take us no matter what.
so then we were faced with "what is our calling?" do the Project? or go to Mexico?
turns out - Mexico.
so while the decision to go even though some of our team can't is a hard one...its so God's decision. He is calling and i'm so excited to answer - even though we will miss the team members that cant come. God knows how its all going to work and He is sovereign and i am trusting that. and looking at all the things happening and the timing of it all...its pretty amazing to see God's hand on every detail. its just so cool how He sees when things are going to be hard and just puts things in place so that we can be refined, but still be able to see Him work so clearly.
yeah, its just very cool.
so...that is the update on this trip!
please keep us in your prayers that we can keep following Gods will, keep looking to Him and that we can be willing to take the hard steps...
its all for His glory and so we just have to remember that its not about us...its His plan and He knows.
beautiful. :)

living in chair 1...

God has brought me some clarity on some things He's been showing me and it relates to the "chair analogy" i posted on awhile ago.

in the times that i have been involved in missions - which has been A LOT of my life so far - and something that a lot of ppl have asked me is

"why do you have to go to these other places in the world? you can stay right here, there are lots of ppl who need help right here..."

and honestly...i never really knew what to say to that. i knew that i loved traveling, that i loved being in other cultures, that it was something that i just found myself doing...

BUT in this last week God has stretched my faith. in this trip and in other areas of my life. and there was a time this week where God was calling me to something...and it scared me. i really really tried to say no. i was not about to do this.

and it was like God was there, saying "its ok. you don't have to do this. if youre not ready, we'll wait and try again later."

i came to this realization that He will not love me any less if i dont do what He asks...but He also cant show me His faithfulness if i dont trust Him...if i'm not where He wants me.

BUT i also felt this incredible desire to know what it is He wanted to show me. what it is i was missing out on because i was afraid to trust Him. and so i took a deep breath, and took the step. and as soon as i did, it was like God was jumping up and down in excitement - like "yay! now i can show you my blessings!" i have no idea what He is going to do...but I am for sure excited to find out.

and yesterday thinking about the trip and just looking at the whole situation...

i understand the fears. i understand the danger. i understand that its crazy. and i understand that we dont have to go there to find someone to help.

i understand that we can live our lives, we can do good things all day long every day, we can honor God in all that we do, we can speak and preach and love, we can be so good...

and we can go our whole lives and do what we want and never once ask God what He thinks. and it will work.

But what if?...

what if we lived every day and asked God what He wants? where He wants us? what if we asked Him to lead us...not just asked but really surrendered all of us and then allowed Him to lead? what if?

He wont love us any less if we dont take the big steps...but we also wont experience all that He has.

maybe He would ask us to stay in our community. maybe He would call us halfway across the world. maybe He would call us someplace safe...maybe it would be insanely dangerous.

i dont know...i dont know what His answer will be and i have fought numerous times to ignore it...

but back to the chair analogy...we can live our lives in chair 2, doing our own thing and hoping that God is pleased by it, safe and in control. OR we can live in chair 1...letting God lead no matter what our head is saying. Trusting with everything in us that He knows best.

im not saying that i have mastered this in any way shape or form...and im not saying that it is easy or that it makes sense...but its something that God is challenging me in BIG time and no matter how hard i have tried to ignore that incessant deep crazy pull........i have seen how much bigger and better and more perfect things are when i listen to it and follow it.

He hasn't failed me yet.

crazy? yes. amazing? yes.

so back to that first question...why do i have to go around the world to do missions when i could spend my time here?

simply? because He said so.

He created this world, these are His people, He knows what they need, He knows how it works.

who am i to try to understand it and rationalize it?

if He calls us to a certain place, our only responsibility is to respond and obey.

all i can do is follow...

and as scary as this prayer is - my prayer is that He continues to stretch me and test me in this.

that i learn to follow and trust Him without hesitation...its going to be a long crazy road...but He knows what He is doing! :)

A Sovereign God...

Reminder of the week? God is sovereign. sovereign over all the details, over the things that seem to just "come up", sovereign over all of the uncertainty...He's bigger than all of it. such an amazing thing to be reminded of.
this week in the worshiping artist, the author talked about attributes of God. About how we see different aspects of God in everything that happens. and what i figured out this week is that i see God as faithful

and holy and sovereign...but what i dont realize is that at the same time i experience God as comforting and personal and peace giving. and i MISS that...just so focused on the big things, on the end results that i miss how beautiful it is to have God just next to me saying - "i know you're scared, but know that i am here and i love you." He doesnt have

to do that...but He does, because its just another aspect of His perfect character.

What attributes of God stand out to you? What attributes are you

experiencing right now in

your life?

Last night...last night we had a meeting with the parents of the students going on the trip.

concerns have been raised about the safety of the place were going to and so we met to talk it out, see where ppl were.

This has been a crazy process of a trip, God has been so so so in charge of every detail and its been amazing. and whatever happens, i have learned and grown SO much in the last 4 months, its crazy and i am so grateful and so although things are unsure at the moment and we're kind of in a short waiting period...i am strangely at peace with it all. knowing with everything in me that He will do what He wants...no matter what that is. so keep us in your prayers and decisions are made today...

we started our normal team meeting after the parent meeting and Emmanuil set up a video camera and stuff and interviewed some members of the team in one room for his documentary of the process, while we took some time to start life stories with the team.

we had a REALLY great time of sharing stories - we got through 4 stories...(we put a time limit on it, and then didnt really enforce it...:/) but it was amazing. The kids on this team have such great hearts and they are just so open and willing to learn, willing to see what God has. We heard from Ashley and Austin and Courtney and Jordan C. and then after each story we took time to affirm them. i also love this...just encouraging each other in what God is doing in the body...its not always easy to see it in ourselves, but we definitely see it in each other - so it is such a blessing to encourage each other.

i just want to thank those four - i was so blessed by your stories. and i am so encouraged to know that God works in amazing ways, He heals...its amazing.

and we still have like 16 to get through! haha...oh geez. we might have to enforce a time limit.

:)

and then we had our small group time and that was just really good too. i love hearing how God is working in this team. i am just feeling SO blessed to be able to be a part of this.

and i know that God has a plan for it all...i am really curious to see what it is!!! (and hopefully soon??? :) )

again - keep us in your prayers! decisions are being made and we should know a lot more by tomorrow.

private worship?

what is worship? like i said in the last post we have been looking at worshiping privately. and in my small group we talked about it and what that means...
and something that God has just been laying on my heart is that He has given us all gifts, He has given us all passions, things that bring us joy and put us at peace...and He calls us to use that as worship to Him.
whether it be music or writing or painting or speaking or dancing or playing a sport or whatever...anything can be used as worship. to praise Him, to make Him look good...
for me...even though i dont do it as much as i want - i can ALWAYS find God while creating something and using my hands. whether it be drawing or painting or whatever...i can always find God there. or just sitting by water...as long as i can hear it...:) i find God there. its the places where nothing else exists, nothing else matters - its just me and God. its in the things that i would not have if God didnt give them to me...i dont have an ocean - but God brings me to them. i dont have artistic talent - but God creates through me. and its so amazing to think - He creates us to love these certain things...and then He provides time, place, and ability to find Him in them. because He knows that is where we feel Him and know Him more...its just you and Him. its quality time with Him. isnt that amazing? how personal He is? how He wants us to know Him and He wants us to find joy in it???
when i realized that God not only put a love for the ocean in me...and not only met me every time i was sitting by it...but that He brought me to it - many times, when i most needed Him...so that i could meet with Him in that special way.........i was in awe. more than in awe. it was one of the first times i realized how personal God is...and how only He can fill me with the unfathomable peace and joy that He has.
amazing.
so private worship? let God show you what that means. it is different for everyone...and there is most likely more than one way you will find joy in worshiping Him...but ask Him to show you, ask Him to teach you how...and He will. i will not pretend to understand it all...but this is what He has shown me so far...and i am SO excited to keep learning. :)

one step closer...

i am just in AWE of God right now. i know i say that a lot...but its just hitting me at a WHOLE new level lately - how amazing He is.
thursday meeting was great...we taught the team one more drama for kids. so fun. its a short drama about how each one of us is a very important part of God's body. and how the body doesn't work unless we ALL do our own specific part.
very cute...and very cool message.
the kids did a great job...its cool to see how the team works with these because we have never played with kid's dramas before...so its a whole different side to the personalities and its cool to see some of them just really come alive in this type of ministry. so i am really excited to see how it all plays out when we are in Mexico.
we also started teaching a drama that God put on my heart like 2 years ago - and is just finishing up now. and i have showed it to sarah and its just really cool how God totally works on His own time with His own creativity...and it has a really cool message.
its a picture of how we do all these sins, have all these things that we know are wrong and are ashamed of...but Jesus came and He took the sins. and it feels so good to be free of them - but then to watch as Jesus wears them instead of us. to think of Him on trial, taking the blame for ALL of the shameful things that WE have done...and then watching Him die for them. its a tough thing to look at, but He doesnt wear them forever. He took them and died for them...and then conquered death. He rose, and now He calls us. He says - all that is gone...you dont have to be weighed down any more...here is your chance to truly be free...just come to me. follow me. love me.
it could be a powerful drama...so we are just praying that God will show us exactly how to make it all work so that His message will be heard.

we also split up into small groups to discuss our books - the worshiping artist.
and it really is such a cool thing to work through right now...learning how to worship privately - just us and God. and how that in turn affects how we worship God in every aspect of our lives, and then how it affects our time of worshipping with the rest of the body on sundays or whenever.
one of my favorite parts is when he talks about how if everyone of us spent time in private worship. just spending consistent, quality time with God every day of the week - what would it be like to come together on sunday morning to worship as a body? what would the worship leader have to do? maybe nothing! if we all spent time worshiping God all week, and then came together - maybe we wouldn't even need a worship leader. maybe we would just all be so stirred up, so ready to celebrate together, that we just would. we would all just respond to God in whatever way He moves through us...and we would worship.
powerful thing to think about...and really it motivates me to spend more time doing it. i have been doing a lot better...but i could spend SO much more time just praising Him.
keep the team in prayer as God keeps working and moving things around and please pray that He will make our calling clear. that we will hear Him and be led by Him - no matter where we are going or who we are going with.
its all Him...it has to be. and i think that through all this - He is getting us to a place where we can KNOW that He is in charge. that we can KNOW that this trip is Him...however it ends up looking. but i will say - i am SO GRATEFUL that He has given me that assurance...and i pray that He keeps doing it and keeps speaking. He has a plan...and i am so excited to be a part of it.